Dear People With Flat Butts,
Being small doesn’t mean that I can wear everything. When we go shopping for pants, don’t show me those tiny things that you think are cute. They will fit me like leg warmers. I need high waist jeans. The term “low-rise” is my worst enemy. Don’t try it. Plumber’s crack is not sexy.
When I need to get past you, don’t be an asshole. Get out of my way. Don’t assume that I can fit in this small space just because I have a small waist. My hips need room too. Even if I turn sideways, you’ll still have to move.
I apologize for anything my butt has broken or knocked over. I should have known better than to allow it to get that close. As I have said, it becomes difficult for my butt and I when we are in small spaces.
When we walk up stairs together, please walk in front of me or next to me. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like my butt is definitely right in your face and I immediately want to apologize.
My butt is neither a pillow, nor a table. It’s a butt. Don’t put your head on it. If you fall asleep, I’m kind of stuck. I actually feel jealous not being able to feel how comfortable it is. I know you find it amusing but don’t sit things on it, especially without letting me know. If your drink or food spills, don’t blame me.
Sure, it looks good but you don’t know the struggle unless you’ve lived it.
Sincerely, Shaped Like A Pear