- People who don’t like dogs (They love you unconditionally… as long as you feed them and rub their bellies.)
- People who don’t like chocolate (How can you turn down a delicious serving of serotonin?)
- People who pronounce “milk” like there’s an E in it (Melk?)
- Me near cookies
- People who enjoy small talk (Time and energy wasters)
- People who “don’t eat vegetables” (How are you still alive?)
- The new president of the United States
- Me near chocolate
- People who call back immediately after getting no answer when there’s no real emergency (Leave a message so that I can decide whether or not what you’re saying is worth the conversation and then respond accordingly.)
- People who say “Literally” when they aren’t being literal (You didn’t literally die, Susan. You’re still alive. Don’t lie to me.)
- Lumpy’s because they don’t have strawberry ice cream
- Marley because she hid her banana in the closet instead of telling me that she didn’t want it
- Drivers who don’t use their blinkers in parking lots (Thats dangerous. How am I supposed to know where you’re going? Sit in that one spot until you figure out how blinkers work.)
- People who walk through hotels barefoot (Eww)
- People who make sandwiches without cheese
- People who think “walking distance” is a valid measurement
- Scar from The Lion King
- People who drink decaf (What’s the point? It’s not like it tastes good.)
- People who like cold weather
- The guy wearing shorts and flip flops with a sweatshirt
- People who like lettuce (It tastes like chewable water. No. Not ice. Chewable water)
- People who leave their shopping carts in parking spaces
- Me because I took that last one from Twitter
- Parents who put leashes on their toddlers
Dear Old Guy At The Gym,
Don’t yell at the other old guy just because he wants to use the dumbbells. They aren’t yours. Simply wanting to use them later doesn’t give you ownership. He would have been done by the time you finished with the machine you’re using. Wait your turn or bring your own next time.
“You’re as cute as a button.”
“Good Lord! I didn’t see that back there.”
-Guy noticing my butt after only seeing me face to face
“You know what I been seein’ a lot of lately?… Midgets!”
“I just had to bring my wife over here to show her how cute you are.”
-Old guy who couldn’t get over my cuteness
“You can’t lift that. You’re a girl.”
-Old woman at work who needed help lifting cat litter
“Is today a special holiday or somethin’? I haven’t seen thay many Jews in my life, in Heinen’s. I don’t know if it’s a holiday but I never seen that many Jews in Heinen’s in my life.”
“You look skinny. You want a hot dog?”
“You cute. How many boyfriends you got?”
-Guy who asked me to break a 50
Working in customer service, you meet a lot of different types of people. Some are really cool. Some are a bit looney. Some are… well… absolutely ridiculous. One day, I was helping an older male customer and at the end, right before he paid, he said, “I guess you want my money now.” That’s a common joke with customers who want to be funny. But this one went a bit further. He went on to say, “I bet that’s what your mom taught you. ‘Take all his money.’ That’s the first thing mothers teach their daughters.” Honestly, I was offended at first. Not all women are gold diggers. Taking a man’s money isn’t hardwired into my brain. Do men really think we all want their money? I decided to move on instead of pondering what could’ve gone wrong in his life to make him think that way. I remembered a thing that my mother actually did teach me. She taught me that everyone has unique experiences which make them who they are. Not everyone has had the same lessons and not everyone has someone in their lives who is as open minded and informative as my mother. I realized that he must have had bad experiences and been ignorant enough to write it off as typical female behavior. Not his fault. He doesn’t know any better. He hasn’t been properly educated and now he’s bitter. Instead of responding with something negative, I assured him that my mother always stressed that I should have my own. If he wants to share, that’s fine with me but the only way to ensure that you have it is to get your own. He lightened up a little and said, “That’s a really good lesson to learn.” I hope I opened his mind at least a little. We aren’t all back stabbing gold diggers. lol You just have to find the right one.
Dear People With Flat Butts,
Being small doesn’t mean that I can wear everything. When we go shopping for pants, don’t show me those tiny things that you think are cute. They will fit me like leg warmers. I need high waist jeans. The term “low-rise” is my worst enemy. Don’t try it. Plumber’s crack is not sexy.
When I need to get past you, don’t be an asshole. Get out of my way. Don’t assume that I can fit in this small space just because I have a small waist. My hips need room too. Even if I turn sideways, you’ll still have to move.
I apologize for anything my butt has broken or knocked over. I should have known better than to allow it to get that close. As I have said, it becomes difficult for my butt and I when we are in small spaces.
When we walk up stairs together, please walk in front of me or next to me. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like my butt is definitely right in your face and I immediately want to apologize.
My butt is neither a pillow, nor a table. It’s a butt. Don’t put your head on it. If you fall asleep, I’m kind of stuck. I actually feel jealous not being able to feel how comfortable it is. I know you find it amusing but don’t sit things on it, especially without letting me know. If your drink or food spills, don’t blame me.
Sure, it looks good but you don’t know the struggle unless you’ve lived it.
Sincerely, Shaped Like A Pear
Dear “Normal” People, I am an introvert. No. I don’t want to go to your party. I do not want to have a conversation. I don’t want to go out with you. Don’t look at me like I’m speaking a foreign language when I tell you that I’m not a people person. It’s a real thing. I’m not going to call you. Just text me like I told you to. I don’t want you in my face. I don’t care if you feel some type of way about me being quiet around you. It has nothing to do with you. Get over it. I read for fun. I’m not working out with you. I’m not telling you my life story. Maybe you’re cool. We can be acquaintances but I don’t need more friends. Go away. I listen to music you’ve never heard of because the internet is my life. I don’t feel the need to socialize face to face or try to fit in. I’m not that type of human. That’ll be all. Thanks for your time.
So, I’m moving to a place that’s pretty far from my job and I tried to transfer. That would’ve been the easy thing to do because the commute is ridiculous and going to interviews near the new place from the old place is a drag. About a week after I requested to transfer, my boss called me into her office. She told me that I’m not what the other place is looking for. Sounds like bullshit because I’m awesome but I don’t really care about that part because the company doesn’t pay me enough for what I do. I’d much rather find a job that pays more. The real problem came about when this woman says, “I’m sorry. I hope you can stay with us.” Umm… No I can’t stay with you. I LIVE TOO FAR. What part of that don’t you understand? Also, you don’t pay me enough. Why would I stay? What are you on?
Don’t yell at your kid for losing your credit card. He can barely talk. What made you think it was a good idea to let him play with it? What are you on? You’re an adult. Use your brain.
My grandmother’s reaction to Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party: “What’s she doing with all those black men?” Seth Rogen was in this episode… She paid no attention to him at all. I just can’t with her.