You know that one mistake that you just keep making? The one that makes it seem more like you’re just stupid and not actually making a mistake? Yeah… I have a few. It makes me wonder. The most recent mistake I’ve been failing to correct is holding food on a spatula as if it just can’t slide off. The most recurrent victims are sandwiches and pancakes. It always starts with me making the fluffiest pancake or the most delectable melty sandwich creation. Recently, I thought it was a good idea to carry a grilled cheese sandwich to the table from the stove on a spatula. I almost made it when the sandwich fell straight to the floor. Naturally, I cried. You know. PMS and all. Darn… Now I want a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hey, driver in front of me. The light is green. Why’d you stop? I’m assuming you’re color blind. You should get that checked out. Otherwise, what are you on? Some of us have places to be. Maybe you shouldn’t be driving.
Dear Automatic Toilet,
I’m not done. You just flushed half a second ago and you’re doing it again. Stop! What are you on?
Dear Gossiping Woman,
When you start a conversation with, “I don’t know if I’m just spreading gossip,” it’s clear that you’re just spreading gossip. Why play dumb? What are you on? A better way to start would be, “Hey! I’ve called to gossip.” That way, your intentions are stated clearly and you don’t sound stupid.
Dear Guy Smoking A Vaporizer And Drinking From A Flask On The Bus,
What are you on? Even the little girl staring at you is wondering.
Woman With The Hello Kitty Bag
P.S. Pull your damn pants up.
When I’m working, there is a customer who stands and watches me until I look directly at him. He’s clearly old enough to be my grandfather and he’s married. One day he stood and talked to me while waiting for his wife. Nothing odd about that. People talk my ears off all the time. But then he went on to say that I am eye candy and asked if I know what eye candy is. I just wonder. Why, if he thought I was too young to comprehend the concept of eye candy, was he hitting on me? He then proceeded to say, “You’re the most beautifulest girl I ever seen.” While I appreciate the compliment, he needs auto correct. Plus, he probably has grandchildren older than I am. All of this ridiculousness while waiting for his wife to find him and I just remained polite because I was at work.